Icky Sicky

Seems I can’t shake the icky feeling. Going to have to go to the doctor.

definition: She Flies With Her Own Wings

So, there are lots of searches for “She Flies With Her Own Wings” coming through on my stats.

First, it is the state motto of Oregon.

But, here’s why I chose the this to be the title of my blog — I like it. It shows independence. I don’t need anyone else to fly with, I fly by myself. Fly with me if you like, if you choose, but if not, I’ll still fly. I am my own person. I am an individual. I need only myself to be a complete, whole person. Others influence me, shape my ideas, but in the end, I am me. I am responsible for my actions. I am the leader of my life. I don’t succumb to anyone’s preconceived notions.

Think I need to sleep with you? That’s your problem. I don’t. Think I need to kiss your feet/ass to get along in this world? No. Think I am a fragile person? Not really.

In other words, it is where I am, where I will always be and if that makes sense to you great. If not, oh well.

I don’t need your acceptance, your approval, your support. Why? My parents did a fantastic job raising me. They brought me up knowing that no matter what, I am an individual who matters, who counts and who is dependable, lovable and responsible. Shortcomings and all. I need only to believe in myself, and they support me 100%, no questions asked. They have shaped me to be the person I am, along with my closest groups of friends (there are about 8 of you out there), and have shown me nothing but unconditional love and support.

If that frightens you, again, oh well.

I fly with my own wings. I chart my own course. I don’t need you in my life, but if I’ve chosen to let you in, I want you there.

Update on douchebag

He didn’t get the job at OSF in Pontiac.

Maybe karma really does exist . . . . *wrings hands with glee*

Protected: “Hi, My Name is . . . Jackass. And my favorite things are dumping women via GMail chat, The Simpsons and The 3 Stooges. In other words, I haven’t grown up yet. And my ex-girlfriend still has my balls on a string.”

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There will be no jailhouse rock for me

I was just e-mailed by someone asking me “would you be a pen pal to someone in jail?”

I’m sorry, but WTF? The answer’s no. And don’t ask again.

Sicko.

Lonesome Day

Once I thought I knew
Everything I needed to know about you
Your sweet whisper, Your tender touch
But I didn’t really know that much
Joke’s on me, It’s gonna be okay
If I can just get through this lonesome day

Hell’s brewin’ dark sun’s on the rise
This storm’ll blow through by and by
House is on fire, Viper’s in the grass
A little revenge and this too shall pass
This too shall pass, I’m gonna pray
Right now all I got’s this lonesome day

It’s allright? It’s allright? It’s allright

Better ask questions before you shoot
Deceit and betrayals bitter fruit
It’s hard to swallow, come time to pay
That taste on your tongue don’t easily slip away

Let kingdom come I’m gonna find my way
Through this lonesome day

I’ve been thinking about what I’m looking for in a boyfriend/mate, and here’s what I’ve come up with so far (to be amended on an as needed basis).

Looks: Need to be fairly average. If you’re not a triathlete, that’s fine. Just be comfortable in your skin, and be within a few pounds of your healthy weight. We’re not talking what will happen in 30+ years, we’re talking today. You need to NOT be overweight, and you need to take care of yourself. Height – I’ll say 5’8” and up is fine. I just want to be able to occasionally wear heels, and not look down at you. But that’s just me.

Ambition: You need to have some sort of ambition and goals. I don’t care if that means you’re going for your bachelors at 36, or a PhD at 26. Have a goal. Have a plan. Even if life throws you a curveball and you don’t reach that goal, that’s fine. You need to not be a slacker. Strive to be someone, something and continuously learn.

Health: I’m not looking to babysit someone who needs to take a lot of medication, because frankly? I ain’t your momma. Whether you go to the gym or not, you need to be fairly healthy. There obviously are diseases that you cannot control, and that’s fine. I won’t abandon you for that. But if you can change your health by taking better care of yourself – eating right, getting sleep, working out – and you don’t? We’re not going to be compatible.

Heart: You need to know what it’s like to have your heart hurt and/or broken. Not because I want to hurt you, or have you hurt me, but I think you learn a lot in those experiences. You need to know the hurt in order to appreciate the good. It also adds a layer for when your partner is hurt by someone else, or you unintentionally hurt them. You need to have compassion, and understand that sometimes? I need to cry. I need a hug. I just need to be there with you, and you don’t need to say anything, but the fact that you’re there? Is what I need the most.

Humor: If you can’t laugh (and I’m not talking juvenile animated shows on Fox – Simpsons, I’m looking at you here, or the 3 Stooges), then what kind of robotic person are you? Laugh until you cry and then laugh some more. I enjoy a good, funny movie. I enjoy good jokes. I enjoy doing something silly with another person, and if it’s you and you have fun at the same time? I’ll enjoy it even more.

Passion: You have to learn what I like, and I have to learn what you like. Pulling out “old tricks” that worked on some girl 5 years ago? Sorry, won’t do well. I like to kiss the person I’m dating. I like to hug them. I like to hold hands with them. I like to be close to them – without being clingy or Velcro. And if there’s no spark on that level, there will be no spark on the sexual level. It’s not always about the sex, and I know that that might be a shock, but you can have a passionate experience without doffing your clothes and jumping in the sack. That’s important. Sometimes, just laying next to you, breathing in synch with you is the best thing I could do all day. Obviously your hands on my body and sex are nothing to ignore, but passion consists of more than an orgasm.

Family: I’m not talking about starting one necessarily, I’m talking about the one you had growing up. We all have people in our family we don’t like. That’s fine. They’re family. But you need to at least have some sort of relationship with them, even if all it is, is a phone call every few months. And I may talk bad about my family, but I’m just venting. Don’t join in, as I won’t join in when you vent about yours.

Pets: I have a dog and a cat, and they’re very important to me. If you cannot appreciate and accept that, I won’t bother being with you. They came into my life before you did, and have provided me with a lot of joy and love.

Opinions: I have opinions. You have opinions. We may disagree, but if we do? You are not automatically right and I’m not automatically wrong. Sometimes, neither of us will be right. I will respect your opinion until the end of time, and I expect the same from you. We may need to agree to disagree, but there should be no name calling.

Respect: Calling me stupid or dumb, means you don’t respect me. And if you don’t respect me, you don’t respect yourself. And I refuse to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect himself or me.

Baggage: We all have baggage from life, from other relationships. I have it, you have it. My baggage does not mean I’m damaged. Your baggage does not mean you’re damaged. It means we have lived, and survived.

And last, I won’t be your rebound girl, or your fall-back/2nd place girl. If you want to date me, you need to date me. I am not 2nd place. I am not a rebound. I am a human being with thoughts, feelings and emotions, and I will be treated well. If you think you’re going to date me only for sex, or want to be friends now but maybe change that later? Go find someone else, because I am not the one for you. I deserve to be treated well, and I will not settle. Not now. Not ever.

I wasn’t pinpoint specific, but I did narrow it down. J

Rational, Stream of Consciousness

So, please understand, I use this blog as an outlet anymore. It’s a place where I can vent, let loose and not have to yell, scream or throw something in real life.

My thoughts and the opinions I put on here, are what I am thinking of at that moment. They are no necessarily deep-seated views of mine.

Do I think I’m unwanted? Sometimes, but it’s very, very rare. Do I put things out there that might make some people uncomfortable? Yes. Life’s uncomfortable. Is life always sunshine and roses? No. And those who “give up on you” because the going has gotten tough? They might not be able to understand when their own life has gotten rough. And I feel sorry for them if they are unable to handle me during those times, because more often than not, they want me to handle them when their life’s rough. Either you’re my friend all the time, or you’re not. Not just when it suits you.

That being said, there are a few people who regularly read this blog, that I would like to thank for always being there, and sticking it out — god knows, you’re some of the best friends I could ask for :: Jen, Kasandra, Geoff :: among others. Having you as friends? Makes all the bad stuff pale in comparison.

And the song lyrics? Yes, they’re sad. Ballads and slow songs tend to be those you hear/listen to during the winter months. Here’s a favorite of mine, it’s off an album of Irish folk songs.

When harm is done no love can be won
I know it happens frequently
What I can’t understand please
God hold my hand
Is why it should have happened to me

I know my friends love me. And I love all of them. Please don’t think I take any of them for granted.

My last post was talking about romantic love.

I wanna know why I’m the only who always has to be alone. Why none of the guys I date are interested in ever really dating me, or being exclusive? Why after 2 months, max, of dating, it’s always adios? Why I seem to be the one who’s never, ever lucky in love? Who always gets hurt?

If I was really “such a catch” and an “amazing” girl? Wouldn’t I have found that at least once? Why do people always tell you “it’ll be worth it in the end” and “you’ll find it when you’re least looking for it”? If you’re single, aren’t you almost always looking for someone? And what if it’s not worth it in the end? What if I just end up always being dumped on, never being in love, and alone? Is that worth it?

Makes me wonder what’s fundamentally wrong with me. Why aren’t any of the guys I’ve dated (and they haven’t all been asses) ever interested in me? I seem to just be a stopping ground between now and forever. With the forever being someone else.

I think it’s a big cosmic joke, wherein I’m the one who gets labeled as a sucker. The loser. The one no one wants.

And every time I open myself up to someone, it hasn’t worked out. They go on, I get lost again in the realm of the unwanted.

The winter here is cold, & bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone,
I haven’t seen the sun for weeks,
Too long, too far from home.
I feel just like I’m sinking,
And I claw for solid ground,
I’m pulled down by the undertow,
I never thought I could feel so low,
And oh darkness I feel like letting go.